Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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