your parents love me but you hate me
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
