Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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