Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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