I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
