your room smells of hookers.
And success
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
it's great music for shaving your balls
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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