Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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