i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
