you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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