I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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