we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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