I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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