There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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