mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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