i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
