nut hugger
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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