Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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