Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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