Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
