listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
