My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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