The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
honey bunches of taint.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
