2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If I die, sorry about rent.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
