They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
