Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
