I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
