nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
