I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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