My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
