you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
