Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
