I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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