rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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