I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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