i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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