Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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