hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize