i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
he puts the penis in happiness.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
