Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
