The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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