u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i already hear my dad disowning me
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
