he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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