It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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