When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Drunk is not a location!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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