I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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