Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
