I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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