He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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