I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
