My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
