I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
