I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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