Semen is not good for contacts.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
