i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
