Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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