Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My pussy is not your playground.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
