I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
