last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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