I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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