It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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