hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I would fuck him just for his dog
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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