1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Pants are for mortals
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
