Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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