I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
