He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
